To my friend who asked, “are you done yet?” about my dating life. While I understand it’s difficult to watch me date, get my hopes up and get disappointed time and time again. I get it – It’s been even harder to live it. I can only imagine the train wreck from an outside bystander perspective. But it’s something I must go through. Because it’s the way to find myself and a new partner in life.
No. I’m not done yet. I haven’t become jaded. I won’t let my wounds stop me from carrying on. I can’t let even one emotionally unavailable man cause me to put walls of protection up so high I become isolated and locked in a tower of my own making. I can’t let the avoidant or anxious men who haven’t healed their childhood trauma keep me from staying vulnerable and in my heart space. From loving deeply. From trying to find a meaningful , stable and sustainable connection with another human being.
Dating in this age of rugged individualism, hyper aware of our shadows, sensitive to narcissism in all its forms – It’s like dancing in a house of mirrors. It’s fun until you get lost in the illusion. It’s been a process of reflection. Of sorting what’s mine from what’s not. We’re all reflecting each other and ourselves in varying fun house degrees of distortion. Whether we become horrified at what we see in the mirror of the other or can laugh at the elongated mutated sideways vision of ourselves – makes all the difference in the experience.
I’m not walking out of this dating nightmare, I’m learning to laugh at myself. At my emotional reactions. To face my discomfort. To have greater perspective. And follow the exit signs like a giant ikea showroom floor. There is no turning back. Only through. Even though I can’t clearly see the exit yet – I know I’m on the right path. Following the arrows on the floor as I walk through the bedroom section of the show room towards the lighting department. I know I’ll reach the end soon. And when I emerge I expect to come out with a partner’s hand in mine – one who also was lost in the funhouse. Maybe for longer than I. And together we will step back out into the open space away from harsh reflections of the mirrors in dating land. And then we’ll look back and talk about that time in our lives when we had that wild and crazy self reflective experience. That time between our old life and the new one we are creating independently with parallel effort and reciprocal support. Clearly visible to each other in the daylight.
That’s when I’ll be done. Not while I’m in the middle of crazy town with no exits, strobe lights and circus music blasting. I’m not a quitter. In fact I’m an over achiever. I chose to do this while going through menopause and raising teenagers having their own hormone shifting experience. The capacity I’m am building right now for the next chapter – it’s gonna be epic.