Attachment and the Mind Fuxk of Dating in the New Age

I’m learning a lot about myself through this process called dating. Something so foreign to me it feels like I’ve entered into a social experiment. I was married for 25 years. Well 15 years married after living together for 10 (both happy in our level of non commitment) And then separated for 2 years. So it’s been 27 years since I’ve considered alternate romantic relationships. And as I was telling the women in my circle this past full moon, it’s a mind fuck.

A lot has changed about dating in 27 years. Now it’s online mostly and a lot like putting a resume out for a job application. It’s all about the photos, the bio words, the first attempts at chatting online before numbers are exchanged and dates in person are arranged. Then getting through that first date – it’s like a first interview. Sealing the deal to get to the next round is very important. Now, move this situation to a remote pacific island with a limited dating pool and no ability to cross into another county without plane tickets – it’s like small town dating on steroids. Everyone knows everyone. There is even a local Facebook group for women titled, Are We Dating the Same Guy? And often we are – so much can be shared about each candidate in advance of any in person meeting or time investment. It’s very competitive. I wasn’t ready.

I also wasn’t ready to learn so much about myself through the process. Some guys want to ask about personality types like INTJ, ENTP. I wanted to ask about astrology but men are weary to share – stereotyped by past romantic interests and cast aside. Some want to tell you their love language – I had to read a whole book to get up to speed. Funny how all the guys into that are “touch is my love language”. Ya, we know, we know you’re a man. haha! It didn’t resonate with me. (to be fair probably not all men have touch as their love language, just the ones attracted to me or at least the ones not scared off by me)

I was only able to engage in this experiment of dating after detaching from a limerent relationship. One where I had no hope of a real relationship, it was completely in my head and heart but not in reality. Unavailable is my dream man. This is something I’m learning that I do. I fall in love with the idea of someone – not actually who they are. This is how I was able to be married forever to someone who wasn’t who I thought he was. Or who I wanted him to be. I didn’t see the red flags until they were draped over me like a tidal wave of betrayal.

I decided early on that smoking would be a hard no for me. It’s correlated with a consciousness level that I’m not very interested in spending time with and also it’s correlated with anger. I did make a brief exception for a middle eastern man who I thought may have included occasional smoking in their bio for cultural reasons. But turns out he smokes more than a hookah and is in a consciousness level where struggle is real and so I chose not to engage in a 2nd date.

And now there is a new awareness that I am swimming in. Attachment Styles. I may have an avoidant attachment style. Or I could have developed this from being married to a narcissist. Either way – I’m insecure. And it’s a problem. It also doesn’t help that I’m a Jack of Diamonds birth card (Cards of Destiny). The Jack of Diamonds values freedom over all else. Add to this an unhealthy avoidant attachment style – I’m running! Chasing the unavailable men while running from the “touch is my love language” men. As soon as a relationship goes to a level of commitment that has strings attached – I’m drafting exit texts. I’ve always needed a lot of space in my relationship. A lot of me time. Getting my husband out of my bed, bedroom and now house has been great except for the lack of partnership, companionship and shared household chores. I don’t know if I want to share a bedroom or closet again but I also crave intamacy and emotional connection. And I’m not loving trips to the recycle center and loading the dishwasher. Yesterday I got new tires on my car and while I waited I had plenty of time to think about the country dancing event that I had plans to attend that evening except I exit texted my date five days ago which meant I’d be spending this Saturday night picking up palm fronds and doing some evening gardening alone at home. Sad state of affairs.

As I came in from my gardening task and contemplated how I got here, I realized a few things. Yes, I have attachment issues. Maybe they’re from childhood. My emotional needs were not met by my strict religious upbringing, with strong handed punishment strategies and emotionally detached parents who were themselves in an enmeshed relationship. My father dying when I was six definitely would be enough on its own to cause an insecure attachment style. And after some reading and an online quiz, I identified with the avoidant attachment style. Who by the way, tends to attract the needy attachment style – I forget what it’s called but it’s highly equated with narcissism. And so there it is. New words for the enmeshed narcissistic and codependent relationship. Where one sucks the life out of the other with their need for adoration and touch. And the drained retreat to their own space to replenish. Classic vampire scenario. Unsustainable.

I already know a lot about enmeshed narcissistic and codependent relationships but what I didn’t know and just learned is that my new super power of spotting narcissist red flags is actually part of my avoidant attachment style – cause red flags mean I can justify the exit strategy as soon as the relationship gets to that uncomfortable commitment threshold. oh boy! What am I doing? I’m trying not to get into another enmeshed relationship. I’ve worked on my codependency and am all about the healthy boundaries but there is more. I’ve had to detach from my tendency toward Limerence which is not just infatuation with someone- it’s a whole relationship based on nothing in reality. It’s filling in the blanks about someone who I either just met and don’t know or who I won’t see because in my mind they are perfect. It’s a love for them on a soul level, a feeling, an unconditional love that allows me to overlook their real human qualities. And that can’t feel good to them because I’ve experienced it myself this week. I didn’t feel seen. I didn’t feel known or understood. I felt like I had this expectation to live up to that had nothing to do with me. And that made me feel not free to be authentic or myself. It felt suffocating and unsustainable.

Maya Angelou said, when you know better, do better. Now I know. I avoid relationship commitment because I fear losing myself. I fall in love with unavailable people. And I self sooth by creating fantasies in my mind. Meanwhile real actual men who want to spend time with me are getting mixed messages. And I’m crying in the garden instead of dancing with my boots on. This is the last lesson. The block my tarot reader keeps alluding to in my daily reading. I’ve awakened to narcissism, detached from limerent relationships and now I must see my own avoidance to attach to another. Because in my avoidance, I attract exactly what I don’t want – the other avoidant who finds comfort in my lack of commitment and who will betray me eventually. Themselves unable to commit.

The mind fuck of dating is that you are meeting yourself in the mirror of the other. It’s been a long time since I had to look in that mirror. Staying married even in a bad marriage shielded me from doing this deep level of self work. But it is time. The universe conspired to put me on this path. To wake up to my own complicity in my relationship conundrum. Here I am stranded on an island of single men, terrified of my shadow but ready to face myself. Ready to try again. To slay the fantasies as they arise like dragons and sit with the inner child who wants to run free as soon as a suitor arrives with a proposal. To choose what’s in front of me not what I wish to see. To avoid the avoiders and not avoid the ones who come bearing gifts of vulnerability and kindness. To allow rather than create distance.