Today at the airport, I witnessed something that deeply bothered me. A small child was sitting on his rolling suitcase in line with his grandparents, behind me. Waiting to board the plane. Adorable and sweet faced. Maybe 4 or 5 years old. The grandmother was telling him that they would only be on one flight together because when they got to the layover she would be returning to California with grandpa and he would go with his parents to their home in Kansas. He seemed sad about this. She admonished him not to be upset in a very direct and stern manner. She tried to distract him from his emotions by reminding him he would get to see his other grandparents in Kansas. And he started to cry – but she shut him down and said don’t you dare do that, you just stop it right now. I was slightly shocked. I did turn and look back. I wanted her to know we could all hear her. But she didn’t seem aware that there was any issue. And I was thinking, oh this old paradigm shit where boys can’t have a feeling. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Don’t we know better already?
I didn’t see what else may have had happened since they were behind me but then she started telling him to apologize to his grand father. And the boy firmly said, “no.” She didn’t listen to him or ask him why not. She demanded again and many times that he turn around and apologize. The grandfather was silent just observing. The boy finally asked, “why?” The grandmother didn’t engage. She kept demanding an apology and then switched it up to telling him he is bad. “You are bad”. And she added that if he didn’t apologize he would have to sit with his parents. This went on and on. “Your bad.” “Your stuburn”. “I’m gonna tell your dad to come get you”. Until he was distressed and crying in protest. Finally the little boy said, “but grandpa was tickling me.” And she said, “I know, but you don’t hit grandpa, that’s bad – you just say, grandpa stop tickling me.” At which point I wanted to roll my eyes cause you know grandpa wasn’t going to stop until he got a rise out of the boy. Now I was there the whole time. With my back turned. The child was still seated how he was when I first saw him with grandpa behind. Whatever hit may have happened was proportionate for whatever grandpa was provoking. And grandpa didn’t seem the least concerned. But Karen was in her co dependent way – extracting an apology and shamming a small child in the process. And as I tried to side eye the situation, grandpa was smirking. While grandma berated the child.
Finally we moved forward and I entered the plane ahead of them. Choosing a seat in a crowded area so they couldn’t be seated near me. I could hear the child in full tantrum now behind me on the ramp. I didn’t think I was going to be able to keep my mouth shut. I just wanted to get down on that little boys eye level and tell him he isn’t bad. He is good and acknowledge that grandpa was messing with him. And acknowledge his feelings about it. And his feelings about vacation ending and going home and separating from these grandparents who he doesn’t live near. I wanted to, but it would have created a confrontation and it wasn’t my child or my business.
As I was seating myself in the second row of the plane I could hear the little boy start whaling. He was upset and the flight attendants couldn’t pacify him by offering to meet the pilot. He was an emotional wreck. He wanted to meet the pilot I could tell he was conflicted. But deregulated. And then grandma comes up behind threatening him to stop or else she’s going to seat him next to a stranger. I could see the panic in his little tear filled eyes. He was right at my row. I was at eye level now because I was seated facing forward. The cortisol release in his little body was palpable. His nervous system was not calm. And I finally said something as he passed me. I made eye contact. I gave an empathetic sigh and I said to grandma, oh that’s so scary for a child. She then said to me – oh well he’s just upset cause they wouldn’t let him ride his suitcase. As if that justified her abusive threats. Which I know started before the suitcase discussion. I turned my attentions away from her. And they passed.
A few minutes later his parents boarded. I wondered if his father was also damaged by being raised this way. I heard him tell his wife who was holding another child that they should sit behind his parents. Which gave me hope that his parents might protect him from any further chaos. As I reviewed the whole drama scene in my mind, I noted that the little boy did speak his voice to his grandmother before it spiraled into a full break down. Which also gave me hope that his exposure to grandma was not how he is usually parented. He had some confidence and skills. Although I wondered if he will now have a story put on him about how difficult he is to travel with.
The whole thing just reaffirmed for me how poor parenting has destroyed some people. Activating their para sympathetic nervous system and acclimating them to cortisol as children. Having them believe they might be intrinsically bad on a deeply subconscious level and causing them to be emotionally deregulated adults. Women have been just as complicit in a toxic masculine paradigm. In more ways than one. My heart broke for that little boy who will one day be a man.
I’m not a perfect parent. And I’ve been a parent since I was 22 -I definitely didn’t have any skills at that age although I tried to be thoughtful about it, to read parenting and child development books. We all have work to do from our childhood. That little boy may grow up with some wounds. Caused by a woman, his grandmother. And he may never consciously know why he gets triggered. And the future women who try to love him as an adult may suffer immensely too – sharing in the out come of an unconscious intention. Men are not the only bad guys in the current distortion of relationships. But it seems they may be uniquely targeted because of societal norm that says boys should be strong and stoic and also that doesn’t recognize how feeling all the feels is a super power. We do need everyone to face their shadows now. So that we can all experience love consistently in our relationships. It’s a team effort we’re all in this together. We all heal in relationship. If we’re willing to do the work.
It was a full circle moment for me. Experiencing the effect, as an adult looking back at the wreckage of a handful of failed relationships over the course of my lifetime and also witnessing today in real time the origin story of so many affected adults. Surreal.
The new currency of relationships is not what college they got into, how much they can provide for their partner and children materially. It’s how much they can provide safe space for and lean into feelings. Their own and their partner’s and their children’s. It’s whether they can bond emotionally to an intimate partner. Whether they can provide emotional safety. Where their partner is safe to share feelings, be heard. And seen. And respected. And to be valued by your partner because feelings are honored. Voices are heard. Allowance to show up as our unhealed messy selves. Authentically meeting the other. Naked and afraid. But received in a way that allows for acceptance and healing. This is more valuable than any fancy house, career or private school. That’s the new currency. That’s how women and also men to some degree are picking partners. Spiritual partnerships is the new way. It’s an adjustment. There is a lot of shifting happening in relationships right now. We’re moving out of contractual, transactional and business agreement marriages and into a new way of showing up authentically, in our integrity and balanced. Not losing ourselves but standing side by side. Because we ant to. Not because we need to. Giving and taking, sharing reciprocally and fairly.
Preparing our kids for success in the new paradigm means not shaming them. Listening to their voice and honoring their feelings, demonstrating and holding boundaries. It means teaching them to listen to their intuition, to feel in their body when it’s a hard “no” or a hard “yes” and to know the difference. Teaching them to self regulate and calm their nervous system without abusing pharmaceuticals, illegal drugs, plant medicine, alcohol or sugar. Teaching them to breathe deeply. To meditate. To listen. To take responsibility. To feel all the feels without disregulating into chaos. To be mindful. To observe the chaos when it arises without judgement. To be a good partner. To work together collaboratively. And to show up for the work. To have a strong will. Relationships aren’t passive.