It’s at least an 18 to 24 month journey in my experience. It begins with conversations between the couple that will be repeated in concentric circles rippling out. Kids, friends and family, kids again, friends again and teachers.
There is usually a moment in time where one or both individuals in the relationship acknowledge that they’ve lost themselves. That they are deeply unhappy or feel out of alignment, even if they don’t know exactly why. And then over a period of days, weeks or months it becomes more clear. For me it was an argument that happened on a regular basis throughout our relationship. A repeating pattern that I couldn’t figure out. There was a story in our relationship that was not true and I didn’t see it for 25 years. We tried different approaches but soon the universe showed me an off-ramp. I was given a reason to end the relationship. The news reached me on an eclipse and the message couldn’t have been more clear. It was time to move on. Not an easy task when you’ve been enmeshed with another person for 25 years, shared bank accounts, investments and children.
I remember looking around our home and realizing that all the furniture was his. We had a lot of family heirlooms and antiques. All were from his family. Only one piece of furniture was truly mine. And everything we purchased together was purchased to fit in with the heirlooms from his family. It was my “this is not my beautiful house” moment. I decided one end table was truly mine – I had picked it out because I loved how it was hand carved from a solid piece of wood. And one Secretary desk that I inherited from my sister. Everything else, wasn’t me. In that moment I realized I had lost myself somewhere.
Together for 25 years and with children is a lot to unravel. Even if we had done it at 10 years together, the children would be younger and it still would be a lot – it’s never simple. I began the process by letting him know that I didn’t want to stay with him. I also didn’t want to go to therapy with him. Because I had already decided I was moving in a new direction. Going to therapy to stay together would have been counter productive. We decided to take some time to process how to seperate and to continue cohabitating and co parenting. This may have given him hope that there would be reconciliation and truthfully a decision like this is big – we both needed to sit with it for a period of time to make sure we were certain.
For me those early weeks and months looked like posting photos of me and my kids on social media without him in any of the photos. Something very new for me. We were still doing things together, eating out with the kids and generally being a family but I started separating myself from him on social media.
We decided on messaging for the kids. I drafted the message and we edited it until we both agreed what we would say to them. It went something like …. “Your dad and I haven’t been getting along lately and we know it’s affecting you guys so we want to let you know what’s going on with us…”. We never spoke of our reasons. We never brought adult themes into their awareness. We kept it age appropriate.
They appreciated being brought into the loop. They were stressed out witnessing our shift in relationship and were worried we would get divorced and that they would have to move between two house like some of their friends who lived out of backpacks changing houses every 3 or 4 days. They did not want this. They were very clear.
We agreed with them that we would shift in and out of the house in a practice called nesting. And that we wouldn’t unground or uproot them. We never said we were getting divorced in that first conversation. In fact we said we were staying together but just as parents, for them. And that we weren’t planning to stay together after they are grown. We told them we would always be friends but that we had been together a very long time and were both ready to do new things on separate paths.
Then we began traveling separately. Taking solo trips. We started out on a family trip together and then traveled separately, me to visit family in California with my daughters while he remained at our property in Ohio to finish up some home improvements. For the next 6 months to a year we took several long trips independently these early periods of time spent alone were very important for both of us. A lot was processed in our periods of time in solitude and it became more real for each of us. A year later, we were still taking turns but we knew we were on borrowed time. All conventional wisdom suggests that nesting works for about a year and then it doesn’t. We overlapped on a three day family vacation to Las Vegas and took the kids to their first concert together. It was important for the kids to have some normalcy with both parents together for vacations and holidays and we expect to some extent that will always be the case. Later that summer, I stayed with one daughter at her boarding school for three months while he was with our other daughter at our home. And then we would switch. Alternating between our investment property, our home and my mom’s house. Trying not to overlap in one place for more than a few days. In this way the kids got used to having only one parent around at a time. If they started asking when Dad was coming back, we’d start planning to switch again in the coming week or two.
We also eventually got both daughters their own mobile phones about a year into nesting when they were old enough at age 14. This allowed us to be able to communicate with them directly without having to call each other to talk to the kids. Up until then we would text and say please have her call me and that worked while they were younger. We also had an iPad at home that they could text the traveling parent from.
We learned through this process of separation that we have different parenting styles. I enforce the kids doing chores and he does not. We had to come to some agreements about this because it was a big transition back into a schedule of doing chores every time I would return. And he was getting a lot of entitled behavior when I was gone that he struggled to deal with often calling me for advice when he was frustrated. Even though we had always thought we were on the same parenting page these differences showed up when we weren’t together to balance each other out. Other areas of parenting difference too became evident like eating and bedtime habits and how to medicate the children or not if they were sick. I had always been more conservative and he was finding himself wanting to be more mainstream now that we aren’t together, this was hard for me. We had to agree to disagree and empower the kids to make their own choices on some things after hearing both of our perspectives. Eventually we also instituted a blackboard in the kitchen of our family home to document chore schedules, doctor appointments and sleepover plans so that whichever one of us was home with the kids would have a reminder of what was going on to acclimate back into parent duty quickly without one of us constantly having to call the other. And text messages when appointments were set also helped track a written history that could be referenced later.
Our communication with each other during this time was difficult. We were both processing our looming divorce. We were fielding a lot of emotions. Waffling between blame and self reflection. Sadness and anger. Consequently we made an effort to only text message each other. Conversations would become arguments too easily. Texts were in writing and documented. We both felt heard. If we did find ourselves talking on the phone and he began yelling, I ended the conversation immediately and took it back to texting.
By the first Christmas, about 6 months into our quasi, nesting separation we got a puppy as emotional support for the children. They became enamored and it took them out of themselves and re-focused them into caretaking for the puppy. And snuggles with the puppy who has been with them constantly even as their father and I move in and out. When I’m home the puppy rides along to pick them up from school and when dad’s home, the same. The puppy is always there. It has created another layer of consistency in a time with a lot of change. The puppy has been a positive change. These years will be remembered with lots of good times too.
In January after that first Christmas of our separation we drafted a message for our friends and family that we shared on our private social media account (the ones that are not public, just friends and family). We edited it until we both agreed. This is the statement we shared:
After many months of deep reflection, a great deal of consideration and a lot of work on ourselves and our circumstances, we have made the decision to move gracefully in the direction of more autonomy. Over the past 25 years together, we have raised three children and supported one another to reach our shared goals. We continue to be committed to co-parenting our two minor daughters and supporting each other on our new individual and parallel paths as friends and business partners.
Love & Gratitude for understanding and holding space. We hope this transition feels natural and without words like divorce or separation for our children. We believe over time they will adjust to a new normal without experiencing any abrupt changes to their lives. For them, in the short term – it will still be one home and two parents as we shift in and out of our children’s home base on Maui – overlapping and traveling between our other favorite cities. It is our goal to make sure that we each are living our best and most supportive and supported lives while also honoring our individual paths.
Doug & Jen
We took it down after 24 hours to minimize our children’s friends with social media or access to their parents devices from seeing it. Our kids didn’t have social media and so it wasn’t a concern that they would read it directly but all these things had to be contemplated and for other couples it could be much more complex I imagine. Kids are connected these days.
This statement set my husband free. And you know what they say… no one jumps into a new relationship faster than a narcissist that needs a place to live. Haha! You probably thought I was going to say if you love them set them free, if they love you they’ll come back – I was way past this and he wasted no time listing himself on dating apps. The universe showed me all the ways he was ready to move on. There were text messages between one of my close friends and him saved under a fake name in his contacts coming through on my daughters iPad that she had left in my bed one night, there was a Google Maps picture of him getting into another woman’s car in front of my moms house and then the butt dial where I over heard him talking about me to perfect strangers in a bar. It was all confirmation that it was the right decision. The universe is funny like that. If you pay attention the wisdom of the decision is reflected back. He dated several woman on our island right away. I had to take steps to limit some of my social media and even removed him as a friend on some platforms so that friends of friends would not find me easily. I never blocked him. We can still look at each others pages if we intend to.
We had to agree on rules for introducing “friends” to our children. He seemed not to have any issue introducing women to my children even though we weren’t yet divorced. He thought the nature of their relationship would go over their heads. We had to negotiate appropriate behavior several times. Sometimes agreeing to disagree. It helped if I turned it around and asked how he would feel if I introduced the kids to random men I might want to date. Conscious uncoupling is a hand holding endeavor as much as anything else. It would be easy to get frustrated or angry but for the sake of the kids and our own wellbeing it is important to keep the energy balanced. It is what it is and they’re not going to change now. Patience is a big part of the process. Learning to co-parent when there is no longer a reason for either to behave in married couple ways is a challenge. The kids shared with me that he had subtly said negative things about me. This was another conversation between us about how important it is for the kids self esteem that we not speak poorly of each other. They see themselves as half of each of us. Any dig we make about the other becomes a flaw they internalize. We constantly had to hold each other accountable through our separation for the sake of our children.
Eventually I wrote up divorce documents and we agreed on the terms. We went with an untraditional custody arrangement where the children would remain in our family home with me and he would move out. He would retain equity in the home which I’ll have to pay him out sometime after the children are in college. He will see the children nearly daily, driving them to school and picking them up. Taking them to after school activities and classes and weekend outings with their friends as often as he is available. They’re teens and car time is actually the best quality time with them. When I travel for business he agrees to stay at the house with them.
18 months into separating we started messaging to the kids that dad is going to get his own place. We talked about the amenities of the place. At first we thought it would be a condo at the beach with a pool. Dad’s retirement dream. We let them know they could stay there on the weekends if they wanted or visit and use the amenities with their friends. We spoke of it as an addition to our family home. An expansion. Not as two separate homes. He even added, “and mom can go there for the weekend if she wants some peace and quiet and I’ll stay here with you.”
Energetically I was finding it hard to actually cut the energetic cords between us. He was very comfortable living in our family home, he had his own room with a private entrance. And didn’t seem to mind over lapping with me. He also didn’t have any respect for my boundaries and would enter my room at will or sleep in my room (formerly our room) when I was away. We had both stopped wearing our wedding bands but we were still connected. It became clear to me that we needed to un-tie the knot of our wedding ceremony. I created a reverse ceremony. A handparting ceremony. On one of my trips to Los Angeles I met a friend at the place where we were married in Griffith Park, she was in our wedding and it was perfect to have her as a witness. We FaceTimed my husband on Maui who also had a friend join him who had attended our wedding. We read the cord cutting reverse vows. We had agreed on the ceremony before hand. As part of the ceremony we placed the ribbons from our original handfasting wedding ceremony in a box with our wedding rings to be gifted to our daughters at some point in the future. The ceremony helped energetically shift things, it was an important step in our journey.
It was another few weeks of nesting before he found his place. By the time it happened the kids were two years older from that initial conversation, they were used to us being separate and curiously they were also ready for him to move out. I asked them if it would be OK and they said, yes Mom it’s time. They had come to realize that he was dating and were as uncomfortable as I was with him still being in the same house with me when our travel overlapped even though we had already taken over separate bedrooms on opposite sides of the house. I had even taken on a roommate and increased my work hours to afford my new single life. I was ready for him to separate from me financially. And the kids were emotionally OK with the shift.
Now we have separate homes. The kids are vacationing with each of us separately. When school starts we’ll be back in our routine of him driving them to school and me working from home. He plans to do yard work at our property several times a week – I plan to let him. We have revised our divorce agreement and now with bank accounts and bills separated – we’re ready to file. Nothing for the judge to work out. It’s already agreed upon. I file, he notarizes the agreement and no one contests. It should be stamped by the judge and official within months. We began the journey as a conversation in February 2022, then separating in July and our divorce will likely be final by December 2024. A three year process end to end. With two years of nesting. We bridged our kids from pre teen to teens and have stepped into divorce as consciously and un-traumatically for them and us as possible. It can be done.