Amelia “Millie” Hay Leder (1898-193X)
My grandmother visits me sometimes at night and especially when I’m traveling it seems. I never met her in person, she passed in the early 1930s long before I was born, when my father was just a child. I know her now as a spirit. She comes through the vision in my third eye as an angelic being of light. Her aura is very blue and Lavendar. She has a large presence compared to other spirits who visit and I’ve felt her hug me from the spiritual realm.
Last evening’s visit while I was staying a hotel in Nashville was curious. She was trying to check in on me without being seen by me. But I could “see” her and now I’m familiar with her light signature and so there was recognition. Sometimes I don’t know who or what angelic being I’m experiencing but Millie is becoming familiar to me. She indicated that she visits each of her children and grandchildren. And always has since her untimely death. This time she seemed to be mourning her human life. She asked what happened to her cat. I never even knew she had a cat. She asked what happened to her Crystal. And her family photos. I could not say although I assume the photos have been passed through her daughter’ lineages. I remember meeting my dad’s sister once. Her name was Helen and she had a box of old family photos. Helen was the middle of Millie’s five children and the only one who stayed with family after her mother passed. The two younger children, a toddler and an infant were adopted by a family in town. They lived in rural North Dakota near Minot not far from Fargo. My father and his older brother, not quite teenagers were sent to an orphanage out of state. And Helen was taken in by an aunt until her father, remarried and regained custody. And the two older boys were retrieved from the orphanage in their mid to late teens as well although I understand their step mother fit the archetype and the homecoming was not all that pleasant. She and their father were alcoholics.
Millie expressed last night that she wasn’t ready to go when she died untimely. That seeing her children separated and not being able to do anything about it was a tragedy for her and very painful. Her difficult choice to seek an abortion for her sixth pregnancy ended in hemorrhage and as it was illegal in the pre Row era, was documented on her death certificate as cardiac infarction. She was in her early 30s. And the family has kept the truth of her fate alive in our speaking and sharing.
I acknowledged during her visit that it was unfair what happened to her. She seemed to appreciate the validation. I asked her how we could heal this wound in our family lineage so that it doesn’t need to repeat. She said we’ve already healed it by speaking about it and by each sibling, child and grandchild supporting access to women’s healthcare. She communicated that no woman should have to suffer through the experience that she did. I can only imagine the back alley abortion that she was subjected to and her anguish as she bled out uncontrollably without being able to attain proper life saving care. A woman with 5 young children, in quick succession. No access to birth control and an alcoholic husband who worked for the railroad, barely scraping by during the Great Depression. Life in that era was a struggle and I can imagine one more child to feed was untenable for her. Not to mention her hands were full with her current brood and a husband who I imagine was fairly hands off.
When I was younger I wasn’t sure how I should feel about abortion. Whether it was right or wrong. I decided though that if my grandmother had lived regardless of the ethical dilemma, my father wouldn’t have experienced living in an orphanage under the strict oversight of a Catholic priest, separated from his younger siblings. A loss equal to and maybe more devastating than the loss of his mother and ultimately his father who was unwilling or thought to be incapable of raising children alone. Because of my grandmother’s lack of access to legal abortion she sought an illegal one. She was not deterred. Consequently her life was lost and her children suffered greatly.
I decided in my youth that access to abortion was important. Because I knew from our family’s experience that women would take matters into their own hands regardless. Now from a spiritual perspective I have no moral or ethical issue with abortion. I know that life starts at the the first breath and that souls can enter into and out of the womb at will as they prepare for birth to incarnate into human form. Terminating a pregnancy is merely a woman exercising her choice to parent or not, any given soul who would seek birth through her. If she terminates, the soul moves on and inquires elsewhere. There is no death at the soul level.
My entire life I felt safe and grateful that abortion was legal for women and that what happened to my grandmother was a part of an archaic past. Sadly, that is no longer true. Sadly some states are not safe for my daughters to live in.
I write this story today to memorialize the life and death of my Scottish grandmother, Millie. A beautiful and caring soul in death and in life. To speak her truth. To also reaffirm my strong belief that access to legal and safe abortion is the right path forward. That free will to choose to participate in a soul’s quest to incarnate is the right of every human with a womb portal. As the gate keeper of such a powerful portal she intuitively knows when and who she can accept through the portal and when she cannot.